Our Story So Far…

I want to write our story because, like all stories, I think it’s worth sharing.

In the beginning of 2013 the idea that I might be ready to have a baby soon started showing it more frequently in my mind. By the fall of 2013 that idea had totally consumed my thoughts. My husband and I talked about our future children often and by fall of 2013 we were ready to grow our family. Over the next couple of months I learned a lot about temping, charting, OPKs etc. I had never heard of a “fertile window” before and was kind of shocked that I here I was, a grown women and I didn’t know the basic workings of my own body.

Anyway, biology aside, months went by with no positive pregnancy test. When the one year mark of trying started to draw close I made a doctors appointment.  Two weeks before the doctors appointment, my period was one day late. The whole day I was supposed to get it, and it wasn’t coming, I started getting excited and told myself I could take a test in the morning. I could barely sleep that night, I was so excited so 5:30am I took a cheap pregnancy test. There may have been a line, it was kind of faint so I took a ClearBlue Digitial just to make sure and low and behold, the word “Pregnant” appeared on the screen before me. I woke my husband up (he was not too happy about it being 5:30am) but when I told him “you’re going to be a daddy” he sat bolt upright in bed proclaiming “NO WAY!” and we were both so excited. It was an awesome experience. We told our parents and a few close friends over the next few days but just three short days after we found out, I started bleeding. To the doctor we went for an ultrasound where they couldn’t see anything and a blood test which showed my HCG level to a 9. (At least that’s what I think it was? 2014 is getting farther and farther away in my memory.)

My OB/GYN said to come back in six months after the miscarriage if we still didn’t conceive. I decided I wanted to switch doctors to someone a little closer so I went to my new OB/GYN six months after my miscarriage. She said it’s normal to take around a year to get pregnant and so come back in six months. A year after my miscarriage, still no baby I went to the doctor and she ordered some tests. My husbands tests were normal. My tests were normal (blook work = normal, HSG = open tubes and I learned I have a retroverted uterus, I have regular cycles, etc.) Since the HSG test is supposed to increase your fertility she told us to try for three months after that and if still no pregnancy she would recommend us to the fertility specialist.

May of 2016 we started seeing a fertility specialist; (my fertility specialist is the best doctor I’ve ever had) anyway, two cycles with Clomid (cycle one 4 follicles, cycle two 2 follicles) and one with Femara (one follicle), still no pregnancy. A cycle with Femara and an IUI (one follicle), still no pregnancy and the most painful period of my life (the doctor said it’s likely I have endometriosis but you can’t know for sure until you have the surgery to remove it.) I wanted to take the next cycle off and it’s a good thing I did because a few days after the painful period ended I started getting a different kind of pain. A week of dealing with that went by until I called my doctor and he sent me to the emergency room where we learned I had a ruptured cyst. A few weeks later I was fulling much better and ready to try again.

This cycle we did Clomid with an IUI (four follicles.) We also found out my new insurance that started in the fall was no longer covering my ultrasounds. Each IUI cycle would cost us $1,000.00. We learned in December 2016 that my second IUI was not successful.

That brings us to today, January 29, 2017. We have been trying to have a baby for almost three and a half years. I asked the fertility specialist if it was possible for us to get pregnant on our own and he said there is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to get pregnant on our own.  So we are one of those couples dealing with “unexplained infertility” My husband and I decided to take a break, we want at least six months before we even start talking about going back to the fertility specialist.

It’s hard to want something so badly and not be able to get it. It’s harder being so close and then watch your joy slip through your fingers. It’s like having your heart broken over and over and over again.

The tear stained “I love you” picture at the top of this post is what I wrote while I was waiting on hold with the doctors office and I knew I was miscarrying. I never got to hold my little baby; but I wonder who they would have grown up to be. He or she would be nineteen months old right now. I hold this piece of paper when I want to think about them. I also read my baby’s verse, it is Psalm 8 and it’s where I took comfort in while going through my miscarriage.

That’s our story so far. I hope to write more about infertility. How I handle jealously, baby showers, etc. How awesome my friends and family have been and how you can support someone going through this. How I handle comments from people. If anyone reading this is currently wanting a baby and not getting one, know that you are not alone. Others have felt with those same emotions you are dealing with. I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but I know it will be worth it.

Thanks for reading!

A Very Good Place to Start

Hey everyone,

I would like to officially welcome you to my corner of the internet. I want this space at January Lane to be my internet home of sorts. I want to write about the ups and downs of life, how I’m trying to live the best one possible (because you only get one) and I’m hoping to connect with you to learn some of your tips and tricks as well.

A little about me, I’m in my late twenties and my husband and I have been married for five years. I enjoy playing piano, reading and writing. I have two cats (you will probably see pictures of them frequently) and I love going to Disney World (I have lots of pictures from there too.) I am the oldest of three girls and I love having sisters. I am not the best at cooking or gardening but hoping to improve upon those skills this year.

What I plan on writing about here:

We bought a house four years ago with the intention of allowing all my decorating dreams come true. However, actually making decisions about my home is a little more challenging for me then I thought. I’ve painted my kitchen, that’s it. I’d like to make our home a little more “us” and I’m hoping to document that progress here.

Secondly, my husband and I have been dealing with infertility the last couple of years. I’d like to share our journey in my next post and then have a few updates throughout the year when there is (hopefully) something to update about.

I love to read. I’d like to use this little online space to talk about books. I love a good novel but I also read a lot of non-fiction books about money/budgeting, business, leadership, time management, etc. Expect book reviews, book lists, reading tips, etc.

I also love to write. I’ve been an avid journal writer for the past seventeen years. Instead of keeping all my thoughts in little notebooks on the shelf, I’d like to write here. I might write about something funny or a serious idea I’m reflecting on. Who knows, we will see what stories I will have to share!

Lastly, this blog is one of my goals for the year. To post in the space every Sunday. (I actually wrote a quick post on my old blog the first Sunday of this year so I would be on track even though I hadn’t set this blog up yet.) However, my word for 2017 is PROGRESS. I am the type of person who has a very hard time taking action until everything is perfect (hence the reason I have such a hard time decorating my house.) I am trying to let go of  perfection and make progress. So this space doesn’t have a custom theme, I don’t have a lot of pictures going on yet but I want to curate my little internet address into something beautiful and meaningful that will be a place of encouragement and gathering for many. However, right now it’s not perfect but I am making progress and that is better than sitting still.

I’m excited to see how things will grow and change as I share my story here. Thank you for taking the time to read my words. Have a wonderful week!

Always,

Samantha

Taking on a Challenge

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To be honest, putting together this website has been challenging for me. Why can’t things flow smoothly, what are all these add-ons and why do they cost so much money, why don’t they explain things more clearly. And no, I don’t have to spend one hundred dollars on a theme so why does that look like my only option.

I am pushing through. I want to write and share and that means I will walk through the muddy waters of setting up my own website.

I can take on this challenge. I will do this.