I want to write our story because, like all stories, I think it’s worth sharing.
In the beginning of 2013 the idea that I might be ready to have a baby soon started showing it more frequently in my mind. By the fall of 2013 that idea had totally consumed my thoughts. My husband and I talked about our future children often and by fall of 2013 we were ready to grow our family. Over the next couple of months I learned a lot about temping, charting, OPKs etc. I had never heard of a “fertile window” before and was kind of shocked that I here I was, a grown women and I didn’t know the basic workings of my own body.
Anyway, biology aside, months went by with no positive pregnancy test. When the one year mark of trying started to draw close I made a doctors appointment. Two weeks before the doctors appointment, my period was one day late. The whole day I was supposed to get it, and it wasn’t coming, I started getting excited and told myself I could take a test in the morning. I could barely sleep that night, I was so excited so 5:30am I took a cheap pregnancy test. There may have been a line, it was kind of faint so I took a ClearBlue Digitial just to make sure and low and behold, the word “Pregnant” appeared on the screen before me. I woke my husband up (he was not too happy about it being 5:30am) but when I told him “you’re going to be a daddy” he sat bolt upright in bed proclaiming “NO WAY!” and we were both so excited. It was an awesome experience. We told our parents and a few close friends over the next few days but just three short days after we found out, I started bleeding. To the doctor we went for an ultrasound where they couldn’t see anything and a blood test which showed my HCG level to a 9. (At least that’s what I think it was? 2014 is getting farther and farther away in my memory.)
My OB/GYN said to come back in six months after the miscarriage if we still didn’t conceive. I decided I wanted to switch doctors to someone a little closer so I went to my new OB/GYN six months after my miscarriage. She said it’s normal to take around a year to get pregnant and so come back in six months. A year after my miscarriage, still no baby I went to the doctor and she ordered some tests. My husbands tests were normal. My tests were normal (blook work = normal, HSG = open tubes and I learned I have a retroverted uterus, I have regular cycles, etc.) Since the HSG test is supposed to increase your fertility she told us to try for three months after that and if still no pregnancy she would recommend us to the fertility specialist.
May of 2016 we started seeing a fertility specialist; (my fertility specialist is the best doctor I’ve ever had) anyway, two cycles with Clomid (cycle one 4 follicles, cycle two 2 follicles) and one with Femara (one follicle), still no pregnancy. A cycle with Femara and an IUI (one follicle), still no pregnancy and the most painful period of my life (the doctor said it’s likely I have endometriosis but you can’t know for sure until you have the surgery to remove it.) I wanted to take the next cycle off and it’s a good thing I did because a few days after the painful period ended I started getting a different kind of pain. A week of dealing with that went by until I called my doctor and he sent me to the emergency room where we learned I had a ruptured cyst. A few weeks later I was fulling much better and ready to try again.
This cycle we did Clomid with an IUI (four follicles.) We also found out my new insurance that started in the fall was no longer covering my ultrasounds. Each IUI cycle would cost us $1,000.00. We learned in December 2016 that my second IUI was not successful.
That brings us to today, January 29, 2017. We have been trying to have a baby for almost three and a half years. I asked the fertility specialist if it was possible for us to get pregnant on our own and he said there is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to get pregnant on our own. So we are one of those couples dealing with “unexplained infertility” My husband and I decided to take a break, we want at least six months before we even start talking about going back to the fertility specialist.
It’s hard to want something so badly and not be able to get it. It’s harder being so close and then watch your joy slip through your fingers. It’s like having your heart broken over and over and over again.
The tear stained “I love you” picture at the top of this post is what I wrote while I was waiting on hold with the doctors office and I knew I was miscarrying. I never got to hold my little baby; but I wonder who they would have grown up to be. He or she would be nineteen months old right now. I hold this piece of paper when I want to think about them. I also read my baby’s verse, it is Psalm 8 and it’s where I took comfort in while going through my miscarriage.
That’s our story so far. I hope to write more about infertility. How I handle jealously, baby showers, etc. How awesome my friends and family have been and how you can support someone going through this. How I handle comments from people. If anyone reading this is currently wanting a baby and not getting one, know that you are not alone. Others have felt with those same emotions you are dealing with. I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but I know it will be worth it.
Thanks for reading!